COMEDY & SATIRE

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Jimmy Buffett Offers Little Clarity to Rattled Stock Investors

The Daily Drunk * Mar. 19, 2019

"In these most uncertain times, we were hoping to offer some solid portfolio management advice from a trusted source, so we asked one of our new reporters to get Buffett’s take. It seemed a pretty straightforward assignment, but in hindsight, perhaps we should have tasked a more seasoned newsie."

New Employee Selects Benefits Package; Discovers He’ll be Working for Free

Little Old Lady Comedy * Mar. 2, 2020

"All this time, for example, I thought an STD is something bad I’d get from unprotected sex—not a benefit at all—but it turns out an STD is something that’s actually protecting me. She confirmed I do, in fact, need an STD and all this other stuff."

Man Reaches Wit's End; Writes Truthful Cover Letter

Little Old Lady Comedy * Feb. 21, 2020

"Let’s all be honest, I’m three months behind on my mortgage and the salary negotiation ship sailed long ago. Sure, I’d like a full day’s wage for a half day’s work, but I’ll take whatever this goddamn job pays."

Instagram Influencer Shocked To Discover She Influences No One

Thought Catalog * Jul. 17, 2019

"Confused, I scrolled my Insta-feed, desperately trying to figure out what riveting advice I might try next to win back the trust of my subjects. Surely I hadn’t really been abandoned by a fickle public. I still had so much to say about makeup and eating disorders and fashion designers. How could I get them to come back and listen?"

STRENGTH TRAINING

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Redesign Your Weekly Program

Elitefts * Nov. 24, 2019

"Beyond training myself in my own personal little Dr. Frankenstein lab, I’ve trained hundreds of other people. Some were paying clients and others were just meatheads who wandered in from the cold, but they all had one thing in common: they expected results and were looking to me to put them on the right path."

Fun Is for Children

Elitefts * May 22, 2017

"I have some grown up advice for your training. Start training like an adult and quit worrying about whether or not it’s fun. I’m going to outline a program for you that you should be able to complete in 90 minutes a day, three days a week. This program actually produces results, and in my book, results are a hell of a lot more fun than feel-good training."

Inside the Mind of Stuart McRobert: Training Advice You're Not Following

Elitefts * May 3, 2016

"Whether through ignorance or unfounded bias, ignoring McRobert is something akin to ignoring the indisputable evidence that the earth is indeed round, and not flat. His published writing is a treasure trove of advice for anyone serious about getting big and strong."

HUMAN CONNECTION

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Down in a Hole

Medium * Oct. 4, 2019

"I’ve laid in bed alone in darkness many nights since her death and replayed that sequence over and over in my mind’s eye, tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks. Where is my little baby now? How do I get to her? Will we ever touch eyelashes again?"

He's Coming. Are You Ready?

Medium * Sep. 27, 2019

"Suffice it to say that when I looked in the mirror this morning, I wasn’t appalled at that 50-year-old face staring back at me, but I did see my share of lines and gray hair resulting from this life I’ve lived."

5 Lessons from Kids on how to Stop being So Damn Mean to Each Other

Elephant Journal * Jan. 2, 2019

"I’ll admit, all this nicey-nice stuff is especially difficult for me. Life has beaten me down a bit, like it has for anyone who’s been around a few decades, and I’m jaded. I have a bit of a short fuse and I get irritated with people rather easily. Heavy traffic and crowded stores and restaurants are a few of my biggest triggers."

When He Finally Realized She Was Right To Leave

Thought Catalog * Dec. 24, 2018

"​They looked good in photos together. They’d both done well in school and landed solid first jobs. Their family backgrounds and values were mostly a match. They even got along reasonably well, indifferent enough not to argue very often. If Instagram had existed, their photographic version of Pleasantville would have seemed… well, pleasant if not blissful."

6 Steps to Leading a Balanced Life in a Non-Stop Culture

Elephant Journal * Sep. 22, 2018

"You deserve a balanced life—not because of any amount of work you did or didn’t do—but simply because you’re a human being inhabiting this planet for a short time. You alone have the power to choose to stop running from one obligation to another with your tongue hanging out."

The Worst Chapter of Our Lives Will Never Be Our Whole Story

Thought Catalog * Feb. 4, 2018

"​I lost my not quite six-year-old daughter four years ago to an illness. Was this really my fate? Had my actions to that point really led me to that dismal destiny? If so, what horrific act had I perpetrated that karma needed to punish me so completely?"

Say these 3 Little Words before it’s too Late

Elephant Journal * Nov. 18, 2017

"There are ripple effects to our actions that may reverberate years later. This might sound scary and burdensome, but it shouldn’t. It’s an opportunity—the ultimate opportunity, really, to do the one thing we all want to do before we leave this world. The way we treat others is our best chance to make our mark and create our legacy."

Finally, some Advice on Being Happy that Actually Works

Elephant Journal * Jun. 1, 2017

"'Defining Your Happiness Will Make You Unhappy.' Huh? Is this guy high? Words strung together in succession do not a coherent sentence make. Here’s my favorite: 'Do You Know Why Your Dog is Happier than You?' Yep, sure do. That motherfucker can’t read this bullshit. If we really want to be happy, we’re going to have to stop listening to all of this crap and start doing one simple thing—drumroll please…"

HOMELESSNESS & POVERTY

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Why I’m Tired of hearing about Animal Rights

Elephant Journal * Apr. 5, 2019

"National security is the only issue that should top tackling extreme poverty on our list of priorities. Gun rights and animal rights and abortion rights and every other cause du jour should take a back seat to first making our citizens safe and then figuring out a way to provide basic necessities to as many of them as possible."

This Is Everything That’s Wrong With America’s ‘Pull Yourself Up By The Bootstraps’ Mentality

Thought Catalog * Jul. 3, 2018

"There’s a story behind how every one of them got to this point, but it’s often buried deep under layers of trauma and abuse. Some of that is self-inflicted, and some of it isn’t. If we’re asking how they got here, we’re asking the wrong question anyway. It’s too late for that to matter. With the chronically homeless, the “find the problem and fix it” ship sailed years ago."

Estonia: Just a Few Netflix Titles Away from “Trumping” the U.S.

Elephant Journal * May 19, 2017

"When Estonia is beating up on you, it’s time to ask some hard questions. It’s time to find out why, and do something about it. Since I had a source right in front of me I decided to probe a little more, and this is where the conversation started getting really interesting."

SPORTS JOURNALISM

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The Old Ways and Bridgeport Football

Connect-Bridgeport * Dec. 16, 2019

"Having just watched the Bridgeport Indians grind out a hard-earned tenth state football championship over the Bluefield Beavers, I alternatively marveled at the unwavering consistency over the last 50-plus years while also wondering how often, if ever, the changing cast of characters tasked with running the program had considered altering the formula for success."

Deflate This

Medium * Oct. 29, 2019

"This is why I like Tom Brady. First he wasn’t good enough. Then he clearly was. Then he was injured. Then he relentlessly pursued a goal that tormented him. Then he was a cheater who became a villain with a Supermodel wife, a boatload of money, and a perfect life. He was the easiest guy in pro sports to hate, and it made me embrace him all the more."

A Historic Opportunity for Bridgeport Football

Connect-Bridgeport * Nov. 25, 2014

"Though I do not remember the exact date, I do remember the moment my blood began to bleed Bridgeport Indian red.  I was in grade school at Johnson Elementary sometime in the mid-1970s.  A few of the high school players came over to talk to the kids and read us a story.  They were big and friendly.  One of them even let me try on his helmet."

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STRENGTH TRAINING

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© 2019 by Chuck Miller