COMEDY & SATIRE
The Daily Drunk * Mar. 19, 2019
"In these most uncertain times, we were hoping to offer some solid portfolio management advice from a trusted source, so we asked one of our new reporters to get Buffett’s take. It seemed a pretty straightforward assignment, but in hindsight, perhaps we should have tasked a more seasoned newsie."
Little Old Lady Comedy * Mar. 2, 2020
"All this time, for example, I thought an STD is something bad I’d get from unprotected sex—not a benefit at all—but it turns out an STD is something that’s actually protecting me. She confirmed I do, in fact, need an STD and all this other stuff."
Little Old Lady Comedy * Feb. 21, 2020
"Let’s all be honest, I’m three months behind on my mortgage and the salary negotiation ship sailed long ago. Sure, I’d like a full day’s wage for a half day’s work, but I’ll take whatever this goddamn job pays."
Thought Catalog * Jul. 17, 2019
"Confused, I scrolled my Insta-feed, desperately trying to figure out what riveting advice I might try next to win back the trust of my subjects. Surely I hadn’t really been abandoned by a fickle public. I still had so much to say about makeup and eating disorders and fashion designers. How could I get them to come back and listen?"
Elitefts * Nov. 24, 2019
"Beyond training myself in my own personal little Dr. Frankenstein lab, I’ve trained hundreds of other people. Some were paying clients and others were just meatheads who wandered in from the cold, but they all had one thing in common: they expected results and were looking to me to put them on the right path."
Elitefts * May 22, 2017
"I have some grown up advice for your training. Start training like an adult and quit worrying about whether or not it’s fun. I’m going to outline a program for you that you should be able to complete in 90 minutes a day, three days a week. This program actually produces results, and in my book, results are a hell of a lot more fun than feel-good training."
Elitefts * May 3, 2016
"Whether through ignorance or unfounded bias, ignoring McRobert is something akin to ignoring the indisputable evidence that the earth is indeed round, and not flat. His published writing is a treasure trove of advice for anyone serious about getting big and strong."
Medium * Oct. 4, 2019
"I’ve laid in bed alone in darkness many nights since her death and replayed that sequence over and over in my mind’s eye, tears of frustration streaming down my cheeks. Where is my little baby now? How do I get to her? Will we ever touch eyelashes again?"
Medium * Sep. 27, 2019
"Suffice it to say that when I looked in the mirror this morning, I wasn’t appalled at that 50-year-old face staring back at me, but I did see my share of lines and gray hair resulting from this life I’ve lived."
Elephant Journal * Jan. 2, 2019
"I’ll admit, all this nicey-nice stuff is especially difficult for me. Life has beaten me down a bit, like it has for anyone who’s been around a few decades, and I’m jaded. I have a bit of a short fuse and I get irritated with people rather easily. Heavy traffic and crowded stores and restaurants are a few of my biggest triggers."
Thought Catalog * Dec. 24, 2018
"They looked good in photos together. They’d both done well in school and landed solid first jobs. Their family backgrounds and values were mostly a match. They even got along reasonably well, indifferent enough not to argue very often. If Instagram had existed, their photographic version of Pleasantville would have seemed… well, pleasant if not blissful."
Elephant Journal * Sep. 22, 2018
"You deserve a balanced life—not because of any amount of work you did or didn’t do—but simply because you’re a human being inhabiting this planet for a short time. You alone have the power to choose to stop running from one obligation to another with your tongue hanging out."
Thought Catalog * Feb. 4, 2018
"I lost my not quite six-year-old daughter four years ago to an illness. Was this really my fate? Had my actions to that point really led me to that dismal destiny? If so, what horrific act had I perpetrated that karma needed to punish me so completely?"
Elephant Journal * Nov. 18, 2017
"There are ripple effects to our actions that may reverberate years later. This might sound scary and burdensome, but it shouldn’t. It’s an opportunity—the ultimate opportunity, really, to do the one thing we all want to do before we leave this world. The way we treat others is our best chance to make our mark and create our legacy."
Elephant Journal * Jun. 1, 2017
"'Defining Your Happiness Will Make You Unhappy.' Huh? Is this guy high? Words strung together in succession do not a coherent sentence make. Here’s my favorite: 'Do You Know Why Your Dog is Happier than You?' Yep, sure do. That motherfucker can’t read this bullshit. If we really want to be happy, we’re going to have to stop listening to all of this crap and start doing one simple thing—drumroll please…"