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Bazooka-wielding Maniac Just Wants a Sandwich
The Haven * May 17, 2020

"I don’t see what the big deal is,” pondered tatted up pacifist James Stonebreaker as he adjusted his bazooka’s shoulder strap. “We’re just a group of nice fellas out for a stroll and a relaxing lunch on a beautiful afternoon. The last thing we’d ever want to do is threaten or intimidate anyone."

Shot Caller
The Daily Drunk * Apr. 21, 2020

"Sometimes the shot I call is that I called the shot and sometimes the shot I call is that you called the shot, depending on the outcome of the shot that was called—not the first shot that I called... the second shot that you called, except when I called that shot, too."

Jimmy Buffett Offers Little Clarity to Rattled Stock Investors
The Daily Drunk * Mar. 19, 2019

"In these most uncertain times, we were hoping to offer some solid portfolio management advice from a trusted source, so we asked one of our new reporters to get Buffett’s take. It seemed a pretty straightforward assignment, but in hindsight, perhaps we should have tasked a more seasoned newsie."

New Employee Selects Benefits Package; Discovers He’ll be Working for Free
Little Old Lady Comedy * Mar. 2, 2020

"All this time, for example, I thought an STD is something bad I’d get from unprotected sex—not a benefit at all—but it turns out an STD is something that’s actually protecting me. She confirmed I do, in fact, need an STD and all this other stuff."

Man Reaches Wit's End; Writes Truthful Cover Letter
Little Old Lady Comedy * Feb. 21, 2020

"Let’s all be honest, I’m three months behind on my mortgage and the salary negotiation ship sailed long ago. Sure, I’d like a full day’s wage for a half day’s work, but I’ll take whatever this goddamn job pays."

Instagram Influencer Shocked To Discover She Influences No One
Thought Catalog * Jul. 17, 2019

"Confused, I scrolled my Insta-feed, desperately trying to figure out what riveting advice I might try next to win back the trust of my subjects. Surely I hadn’t really been abandoned by a fickle public. I still had so much to say about makeup and eating disorders and fashion designers. How could I get them to come back and listen?"

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